Struggling, the Pandemic, and an Omen of Hope

Personal Musings, , ,

I haven’t written anything since pre-pandemic times. I haven’t wanted to. My creativity, my spirituality, my vibrancy, have all felt on the edge of dying for a while now. On the edge because I still have moments. I have a relationship in my life that is a pool from which I draw love for myself in the day-to-day. I treasure the presence and immediacy of times with my nieces and nephew. The classroom brings me moments of community and inspiration that my dried-up soul keeps trying to turn into hope. That I have those things, is the reason I survived the past year.

I looked upon quarantine with a lot of hope. I took to teaching online easily and with enjoyment having done my Masters in Educational Technology. I imagined it would be a time where I would write and create, where I would connect with the solitude that used to fuel my relationship with God and myself, and where I would spend good, quality time with those that I loved in our small pod of family.

Looking back, it feels as if I wasted opportunity. It feels as if I sat on my ass and made no progress towards being a better human being. Because I think that might hold truth, I struggle with showing compassion to myself. I hear and read what others say. It’s OK to not feel normal. It’s OK if you’re feeling sad, or lonely, or angry – but I felt none of those things while this pandemic has been happening. It’s only now as I have been fully vaccinated, our positivity rate is dropping, and they are bringing students back into my classroom that I am feeling this onslaught of whirling negativity and feeling the lack of my experiences of the previous year.

I don’t want to be angry with myself, but I am, because I feel lost. I struggle with the purpose of it all, my why to getting up every day. I struggle with recognizing we can only change ourselves and that what I offer to others may never be accepted. I struggle with knowing that my relationship with God and my spirituality is still there and I only need to call upon it, and still, I feel too tired to dial that number. I struggle with making the effort to connect with others who seem so excited about getting back out there and things opening up. I struggle with the self-pity for which judge myself harshly, knowing that people I love have situations happening that are truly scary and life altering. I struggle – I struggle – I struggle.

This morning my struggle finally eased a bit. With the light coming back to our world earlier these days, I have turned off the music on my way to work. It is a small step towards allowing a space for connecting with myself and with God. I think I have been hesitant to allow for any real space in my head or heart this past year. No journaling, no creative writing, no sitting with my thoughts. Every moment filled with the distractions of streaming, social media, board games, even sleep. On my way to work this morning I encountered three young deer playing together by the creek, under a tree at Seneca golf course. I slowed the car and whispered “hello”. All I could think was, “How beautiful.” Driving up Briar Hill to get to Lexington Rd., I said hello to my favorite tree that has seen me through the seasons of the past 11 years. Its small sprouts of green glowed in the morning sun and it seemed as happy to see me as I was to see it.

Thinking back after writing this, that the trio of fawns frolicking by the stream as I drove towards a day of work constituted some kind of omen seems obvious, but how many mornigns in the past year have I missed that because I wasn’t looking? The Easter egg colored trees and vibrant green grasses of April in Kentucky, along with its spring sunrises teased my dormant hope and dreams. I felt lured towards summer and something I couldn’t put my finger on. After a year of this pandemic life, I almost couldn’t let myself feel those emotions, I wanted to turn off the feelings, and yet they began to seep through anyway. Pulling into my spot at work, I wondered to myself, “Am I happy?” and in that moment I was – and in the following moments, I wrote.

***While I recognize that some of these descriptions of struggle may coincide with signs of depression, I want anyone reading this to know that I don’t feel like I need help in that area right now and I do have people to talk with. However, I do realize that people reading this might feel like they do. If you feel like you can’t get out of the hole of this past year, there are places and people to talk to! Many counselors and therapists in Louisville work on sliding scales and do whatever they can to make help affordable. You can do your own searching – or a good place to start is with https://sevencounties.org

Violets, Dad, and Time

Personal Musings, , , , , ,

Every spring there are two sights to which I look forward. One is the violets in April; the other is white blossoms on the trees by the golf course in Seneca Park. I can’t do them justice with words, so I won’t try to describe their beauty, but I may give how they make me feel a shot. When I see the specific blue purple of the violets, I’m moved with a joy inside my chest that makes me want to tear up. I’ve never experienced the feeling of a color so vividly. When I see tree after tree, lining the golf course, blooming in white, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of awe.

I know that nature brings out these feelings in many people and that I am not unique in my experience. What stands out for me though, is the feeling that immediately follows the joy and awe. My whole heart aches with longing. A longing that comes from knowing the violets and the white blossoms won’t last. A yearning to keep them for as long as I can, to be in the moment, and then, to see them again. I long to see them again, even as I am seeing them in the present. It’s like a prayer to be gifted that time…one more time.

It’s especially poignant to me this spring. Having lost my dad in the fall, I wonder if there were beautiful things he experienced, and in those moments, wished fervently to experience again – just once more. It’s clearer now that eventually there will come a time when the violets and the trees will bloom without me. There will be a time where I yearn to experience the joy and awe again, but where it will be my last. And the thing is, I won’t know. Just as he didn’t know. So, the experience of these moments of beauty, encompasses not only the happiness, but the sadness as well. It’s like grieving something you hold in your hands, while it’s in your hands because you know it will disappear.

The other evening, I was talking to a friend about time and we played with the idea that time wasn’t linear and everything was happening all at once. My experience of the violets and the white blossoms pulled that idea from a conversation into reality for me. All at once on my walk yesterday, I was experiencing them for the first time, being present with them in the moment, saying goodbye to them, and longing to see them again.

Today, reflecting, I can’t help but connect that to missing my dad. When I was in college, I watched the movie Shadowlands. There is a quote that C.S. Lewis says, “What I am trying to say is that the pain then is part of the happiness now. That’s the deal.” I guess that is the deal. I’m feeling the loss and yearning to see him again and that hurts, oh so bad, but there is comfort in the lessons of violets and blossoms. A comfort that comes from knowing the experience of loving him in the moments isn’t really gone. Our walks, his eyes, his voice, his hands, his unconditional love – It’s all really happening all at once. I just need to see the experience of his love as whole.

Remembering my dad, Rudy Davis…

Personal Musings

Last night we celebrated the life of a great man and I was privileged to be able to speak about him. Some of you who loved him weren’t there and I wanted to share it with you because, in my mind, these are more his words, than mine. I have no doubt these are what he wanted to say to you all!

My dad and I shared a love of writing. I remember how proud he was when, with the help of a friend, I published my first book on Amazon. He always wanted to write a book, and I have a feeling that when my sisters and I go through his computer, we will find some amazing tales that he began to type up. Many stories you all have probably heard… again and again.

Yesterday, as we sat at the table. My sister said, “Well, you know, he had been taking a writing class – didn’t you?” I did not, but it made me happy. Later, as I had to take some stuff downstairs to his office, and this time, although I had been there numerous times since his passing, I felt a sharp pang of loss, like, “He’s really not coming back here.” I also felt an overwhelming need to look around again and feel the moment.

I walked to his shelves and saw a name card, Kimberly, with the meaning of my name, and a cassette tape of Harry Connick, Jr. who he knew was one of my favorites. I immediately thought, this is for me. Then, underneath of that, I noticed a notebook. I picked it up and inside it was his notebook from his writing class.

It was filled with the kinds of prompts and exercises they give you in a class like that. I immediately learned things like he didn’t like bananas, and he didn’t believe people were forgiving or empathetic enough. There were familiar paragraphs from stories about Hell week with his BUDS/SEAL class and undercover work, but there were two things that stood out to me and I’d like to share them with you.

The first was a list of 6 things that I think were life lessons he had wanted to share with the class before he left. 1. Follow your dreams. 2.Don’t be discouraged. 3. Happiness and sadness are a state of mind that you can control. 4. Believe in something. 5. Be proud of yourself. (Although I have to say, he first wrote I am proud of myself and then crossed that out and wrote be proud of yourself.) 6. Attitude is the key to life. As I read each of them, I thought of numerous examples of how he lived them out every day of his life.

The second, and last piece I want to share with you is from an exercise where, I believe, the prompt was: When you close your eyes, whose voice do you hear and what is it saying? In his own words:

“I hear you, Dad. I hear you saying family is everything. I hear you say phrases you never spoke but demonstrated daily, like blood is thicker than water & loyalty, son, is a quality you must have. Trust your feelings. Speak the truth and speak from your heart.”

As I read his words I couldn’t help but hear what I hear him saying to me: Do things to help make others happy. Say things to make others feel their worth. Show people you love them. You are enough and you are loved completely – faults and all.

So to close tonight, I’d like you to close your eyes and hear the voice of Rudy Ray Davis…

I’m sure you heard what you needed to hear, but I also know he was saying to all of you: I love you and thank you for loving me.

***I wanted to also add a line from the part my sisters read before mine. My dad had been a part of recovering the Apollo 14 and 15 astronauts when they splashed back to earth.
“There can be no doubt that though the astronauts walked on the moon, our dad hung it.”

Hanging On.

Entertainment Musings

I love early morning walks on the weekend. The quiet, combined with the smells of dew and grass, puts me in another world, a better world than what I see online or in traffic, or in crowded spaces. To be sure, if I look, I can find messages in all of those noisy places but there’s something about the simplicity and beauty of a morning in nature that brings clarity. This morning I kept seeing little leaves hanging on the strands of spider webs, dangling in open space, almost like they were floating.

The first I encountered was actually a conglomeration of leaves and I almost hit it. For a second I was grossed out because despite recognizing the beauty of spider silk and its pretty amazing properties (it’s stronger than steel), I get the heebie jeebies from its sticky, clingy presence. As I continued my walk though, and kept seeing single leaves dangling from trees, I kept thinking about hanging on…to thoughts, situations, people.

Each leaf that twisted in the breeze in front of me was already dead. They were leaves that the trees had shed, meant to be on the ground so that they could be crushed up into the soil and return to nourish other life, and yet they couldn’t because something kept them from release. I’ve talked a little about my struggle with letting things go, so this morning’s walk theme seemed apropos to my life.

I definitely have some dead leaves ready to nourish new beginnings that need to be let go from my life. So as the autumn shed begins, so does mine. No hanging on allowed.

Waiting…

Entertainment Musings

I hate waiting, but probably not for the reason you would think. Sure, waiting makes me feel impatient and I don’t like the tightness in my chest or the clench of my jaw it brings about, but it’s more than the physical symptoms. I don’t like what waiting does to me mentally. When I am waiting for something, it tends to take over my brain. It sits there in the background, like one of those little red numbers on an iPhone that you try your best to ignore because it’s impossible to clear them all. The thing I’m waiting for begins to color my day. I have trouble staying in the moment and appreciating what’s happening in the now. It takes away my joy in the little things.

Whether I’m waiting for something good or waiting for the other shoe to drop, I get to the point where I just want it to be over. If I’m waiting for something good, it almost becomes something I no longer want, and if it’s bad, I get to the point where I don’t care anymore. I wish that it was easier to be present to each moment without wondering, hoping, or agonizing about things I can’t control. I’ve had some success in the past, times where I have managed to put this imagined but not yet come to fruition future out of my head. I’ve been able to let it go and just go about my business and it’s been wonderful, so I know it’s possible. Just wishing today that it was easier to do.

Hope

Entertainment Musings

Hope is such a curious thing. It springs up even when your logical brain tries its best to shut it down. You know facts, you see reasons, but somewhere deep inside, it sits, a small seed waiting to crack open, given the right waters of encouragement in the soil of your heart, whether that soil has been prepped or lies fallow. Those waters can nourish delusion though, just as easily as legitimate dreams. Still, I would choose delusion in a heartbeat if it meant not giving up the feeling of hope, for there isn’t a more addictive drug in my world than that feeling of possibility. That euphoria or addiction to possibility often-times makes choosing the hardest part of living. It means feeling bereaved over lost paths and the cost of opportunity when deciding becomes necessity. For just that reason, I sometimes get disoriented in my hope, waiting too long to grasp at what I want, then starting the cycle again, with different dreams because it doesn’t die. I’m perplexed, yet grateful for that.

2017 Resolutions

Personal Musings

It’s that time of year when everyone looks to start fresh and thus begins a furious search for the perfect resolution, a goal for the new year that will make them better or bring the elusive happiness they seek. Some people hate resolutions on principle, others look down their noses at those who make them because they know ultimately, most get forgotten, but I like them. I believe there’s never a bad time for a fresh start or a new commitment to something positive in life. Because of that I tend to make resolutions throughout the year and find myself constantly adjusting my goals. Over the past few years I’ve made some progress in a few areas and I’d love to share them. Take them for what you will.

Last year I read Shonda Rhimes book, The Year of Yes. I hadn’t noticed how often I was saying no in my life and the depleted possibilities that came from it. I’m not talking about saying no when you need to (a worthy goal in and of itself that I’ve been pretty good at for a while now), I’m talking about saying no to opportunities that seem a little scary, expand your comfort zone, or even just take a little more energy than you think you have. You can’t meet new people, learn about new things, or imagine new possibilities without actively choosing to say yes to something. The ruts in which I’ve found myself in the past have always been deepened by saying no. It’s the yes that pulls you up and out and into life. I’ve almost gotten the hang of that one.

A resolution area that I’ve mastered in my mind but haven’t quite managed to live out through my choices yet is an attitude of limitlessness versus scarcity. When I taught interpersonal communication, I remember having an a-ha moment that the perception of scarcity, even when not real, leads to conflict. When we feel like not enough of what we need exists, we can act out in ways that lead to negative consequences. Whether it’s love, money, approval, or time, I need to understand that there’s enough. At work, I’m attempting to not feel that small, nagging jealousy when others get affirmation. There’s no limit on the amount of affirmation that can be given. It’s not like if my colleague receives it then my boss has run out of it for the year and I’m out of luck. In love, it’s not like people have finite hearts that run out of room. In my finances, it’s not like there aren’t infinite ways for me to better my income. I don’t have to feel conflicted on the inside or feel conflict with others based on false perceptions of scarcity. The world has enough of everything I need.

Physical health is always a big goal for people at the new year. About a year and a half ago I started walking at the park near my condo fairly regularly. At first it was because of my blood pressure, but as I continued I noticed that when I walked I felt less anxiety, less depression and was kinder to others. I also started feeling more connected to nature, so much so that I decided to name the trees on my path. (Read The Hidden Life of Trees if you can!) While some might hear that and conclude I should make a new goal about mental health, for me it was a giant step in finding and understanding my physical place in this world. It’s helped my to see that I am in relationship with my environment and that my choices have consequences, not only for the health of my body, but the health of the planet that surrounds me. It’s too easy to separate ourselves from the nature that makes life possible. Step outside this year. Name a tree.

Finally, if I had to make a resolution for 2017, knowing that I’m always still working on all of the above, I would add this. Let other people make their own choices. As a writer and an artist who loves to create stories, I often want people’s choices and decisions to fit the narrative in my head. When they don’t I feel disappointed, or like I need to do something to influence them because, of course, they should see it my way, right? This habit of looking at the choices of others only in the context of the life story I’ve created is arrogant and detrimental to my self and my relationships. You can’t have honesty without being open to truth. You also can never relax when you feel responsible for the choices of everyone around you. I’m hoping that in 2017, I can live like the lyrics from one of my favorite songs from the past year:

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

(James Bay)

Love and luck to you in 2017!

Deserted (new middle grade novella)

Entertainment Musings

My middle grade novella Deserted is now available on Amazon and for Kindle. Many of you wanted to support me by getting my young adult trilogy for your kids but they were a little too young at the time for the content. I have read this novella with young people from 4th grade through 8th with success. If you are very protective you should know it touches lightly on alcoholism and divorce but those elements are not central to the plot which is an adventure type mystery.

http://www.amazon.com/Deserted-Kimmy-L-Davis-ebook/dp/B01BYL5WWY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1456153033&sr=8-1&keywords=kimmy+l+davisdeserted3

Courage, MLK Jr., and High School Memories

Personal Musings, , , , , ,

The summer after my sophomore year in high school, I went to a week long summer camp that changed my life. The camp was called Anytown and it was a group of 70 teens from Louisville and Lexington who all came from very different experiences of life. At Anytown I made my first Jewish friend. I made my first African American and Asian friends, I made my first friends who were open about a sexual orientation that was different than mine. At Anytown I learned that all people are the same AND that all people are different and we should celebrate both of those things.

We did lots of different things at camp. We met in what were called culture groups where we shared common experiences and then we met in mixed groups where we talked about some really challenging topics. It’s easy to say something’s not real or something’s not as bad as it seems when you’ve never actually experienced it. It’s different when you look into the face of a new friend and all of sudden hear the truth of what they have gone through. It was an intense week and it took a lot of honesty and courage to build the community we built, but we did it.

The fact that we did was even more important on the 5th day of camp. We woke up that morning feeling good about ourselves and each other and the diversity we were celebrating and sharing, but when we got to morning circle something had changed. Don, the man in charge – a seriously large and intimidating person – told us that we would not be together that day. We were divided into our culture groups. Whites with whites, blacks with blacks, Jewish with Jewish and so forth. We were told we wouldn’t be allowed to make eye contact or communicate with our friends from different groups. We were told that if we did or if we tried to mix the groups that we would be sent home from camp.

It was an awful morning that led into and awful lunch. No one broke the silence. No one wanted to risk Don’s wrath or being sent home. No one until Ren. I can still remember Ren standing up to Don in the campfire area after lunch. At first she alone dared to question why we were doing this. She raised her voice and stood firm and told him that it was unfair and wrong and that the whole point of the camp was to bring us together and that she wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. When Ren broke the silence others followed and finally when we were all in an uproar, Don called us back together and apologized. He told us that what Ren had done was the whole point of the experience. They had wanted us to stand up, they had wanted us to show courage. They had wanted us to come together as one to change the injustice.

It’s very easy to look at the world around us and ignore the fact that the dream Martin Luther King Jr. had isn’t fully implemented. It’s easy, even with the mounting stories of hate and discrimination that we are faced with to think that discrimination and injustice are really a problem mostly solved. We have a day to celebrate it – doesn’t that mean it’s all good?

What Ren did that day at camp for us was help us to imagine what people before us had experienced. In a very small way she demonstrated the kind of courage Martin Luther King Jr. showed as he led others to join together to fight for justice for all people that face the darkness of hate.

I look back on how scared I was to speak up that day at camp – even though I knew that segregating our community wasn’t right. I remember being paralyzed with fear to rock the boat even though at worst I would have just been sent home from camp. I was so envious of the courage that Ren showed to risk it all and speak up.

I look back and think how much more frightened was Martin Luther King Jr? He was speaking out against a system of oppression. He was speaking out against powerful people and groups. He was speaking out to change injustice that affected a whole country. How much more fear did he feel as he led groups of people to boycott the buses in after Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat. How scared was he when he marched from Selma to Montgomery. How terrified must he have been when he received threats against his life and the lives of the people he loved.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt said “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

Martin Luther King Jr. must have felt afraid, but his faith taught him that only love could drive out hate. That only light could fight darkness. He chose to speak up to call out and to lead others in walking a path of non-violent protest, to pray for change. He had a dream, a vision of what we could be if we as people looked outside of ourselves and could truly see, love and serve our neighbor.

Every Martin Luther King Jr. day I think back to Anytown and the lifelong friendships I made there. I am thankful for them and I am thankful for the courage that I learned from Ren. A courage that came from the dream of a great man. A courage that lives on in me and in each of us today if only we can move past the fear that keeps us from speaking. I challenge you this Monday to find a way to honor that courage. To choose to see, love and serve your neighbor in some concrete way. As Martin Luther King told us…Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Let us go out into our communities on Monday and be the light and the love.

The Bachelorette: I LOVE Kaitlyn, but I’m OUT for good!

Entertainment Musings, , , , , , ,

I am finished with The Bachelorette. Monday night I thought there might still be a way to keep watching the show. I thought perhaps I could forgive the two Bachelorette stunt that took the choice out of the young woman’s hands and then gave it back to her only to plague her with insecurity over whether the guys stayed for her – not to mention intentionally pitting the women in the fan base against each other. What has pushed me over the edge may not even seem like a big deal to most people. What has finally made me turn down the rose is the continuous exploitation, double standard and disrespect for the lives of the people they showcase. I’m talking about those previews with all the tears and all the anger regarding Kaitlyn’s “obvious from the editing” choice to sleep with one of her bachelors.

The show has danced around hook-ups for years. Whether or not anything has happened in past fantasy suites, it’s definitely implied. It was hinted at and then openly discussed that Juan Pablo had been with Claire. There was all the hoopla surrounding Nick asking Andi why she’d made love to him if she wasn’t going to choose him. The point is that none of those incidents became selling points of a season or a defining characteristic of the bachelor/bachelorettes. None of them were explicitly presented before we had a chance to get to know the person.

By showing the scenes they showed of Kaitlyn last night and having her admit in the previews to the men that she had slept with someone, the show instigated one of the divisive debates out there for ratings. People are passionately opinionated about sex. People will defend her choice and say there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her consenting to be with a man she chooses. Others will call her a slut or a whore and never give her a second chance. In addition, the whole season will now be marred by this conflict and moral judgement. The scenes they showed in the previews play to the absolute worst of male and female stereotypes. Not only did we witness her crying and shaming herself, apologizing and demeaning herself, but we saw the men getting angry and storming off because of it. It looked like they were joining forces to stone her! There is a delicate line when it comes to male and female power in relationships and up until a few seasons ago this show had actually done a nice job of respecting it. What’s happened?

For me, whether I think she should have or shouldn’t have made that choice is irrelevant. For me it is once again about the producers and the choices they make in story and editing. They shafted Kaitlyn from the start because they wanted Britt. Go back and look at Mike Fleiss and Chris Harrison’s tweets versus the tweets from the majority of the fans. They didn’t even throw Juan Pablo under the bus the way they did this girl and they totally disliked Juan Pablo. Look at the way Chris worded telling Kaitlyn she was the Bachelorette…unfortunately I had to let Britt go – watch his expressions – he’s not happy. It was manipulative and disrespectful of them to use the film in that way, but probably just part of what’s to come in what I think will be an assassination of her character for the rest of the season.

For me, it’s not about whether those scenes play out the way the previews foretell. I am quitting this show because Mike Fleiss and Co., and that includes Chris Harrison, have been slowly going deeper and deeper into sleaze and disrespecting what gave the show any redeeming qualities. Maybe they can’t tell the difference between Bachelor in Paradise, Bachelor Pad, and their flagship show anymore. Maybe it’s that they want ratings or maybe they are so far removed from the real world that they don’t even see how bad they have gotten. Maybe it’s because they were thinly disguised misogynists after all and shame on me for being fooled for as long as I have been. I don’t really care anymore. I hope she finds a way to get her power back and sticks it to them in the live shows, but I won’t be watching. I guess I’ll be reading someone else’s blog to find out.

The Bachelorette: I’m Still Watching…

Bachelorette, Entertainment Musings, , , ,

So, I’ve always opened myself to ridicule by admitting I watch the Bachelorette, but here’s the deal…I have also always been able to reasonably defend myself. Until now. Last night’s twist was worse than I anticipated. The reason the Bachelorette worked (and the reason it will work for the rest of this season after this travesty) is that the woman holds the power. In addition to being able to choose who she wants to be with, we can be pretty sure the guys who are there want to be with her and are actually in it for a relationship. By taking the power out of the women’s hands and letting the men pick, both of those positives went down the drain. That’s why we’re angry, Chris Harrison. It’s not about your stupid comments that change is hard. SPOILER ALERT FOR TONIGHT’S RESULTS While I am happy that Kaitlyn came out the winner (as the media has let us know), she now has to wonder in every interaction she has throughout the season if a man secretly voted for Britt to stay.

I don’t understand how the show can so seriously underestimate its viewers. Sure, social media would have you believe that everyone is watching for the drama and conflict, and the raunchier/sleazier the better, but that’s not the case. While there is a base audience that is in it for that kind of stuff, those viewers won’t be going anywhere – no need to up the ante for them. The viewers that the show will shed and has shed are the viewers that held out any hope that the show had some sincerity and real romance left. Trista and Ryan + Babies, Jason and Molly +Baby, Ashley and JP + Baby, Sean and Catherine, and a few more past results have proven that DESPITE their attempts to cheapen the game, real love can be found on this show. However, I personally don’t know how much longer I’ll be hanging around.

Juan Pablo was a trip into sleaze. Andi D. was never going to find real love, we could all see it from the start. I began last season with Chris, but quickly lost interest despite liking Whitney. I am here now for Kaitlyn because she reminds me of our favorite Canadian Bachelorette Jillian. She’s real, funny and will hopefully see through the BS the show throws at her. Watching her face last night as the twists kept unfolding you could tell she felt the same way we did. You could see her struggle with the fact that it was all so demeaning, but if she could just get through it she might have a shot at something real. If we could all just get through the episode we might be able to see a real season despite the producer’s intentions.

So, thank goodness that tonight in part two the stunt ends and Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette, although if you haven’t read any online sources you might not know that for sure yet because of the stupid new cliffhangers they’re employing more and more frequently. That’s at least one positive on which to cling!

There are a few more, and their names are Ben H., Ben Z., Dan and Ian (1st Bachelor of color anyone? Finally a guy who could actually be a contender!) Each of these guys showed real personality and genuine interest in the women. And, we can’t leave out Shawn B., who, while not a favorite of mine, was described by Kaitlyn as possible love at first sight. I like the bits of interaction they showed between her and all of these guys, but my early pick is Ben H.  – Wow, show me more of him. Kudos for asking about her tattoo, dude! I always wondered about it myself. Point in Kaitlyn’s column for her answer being sweet and meaningful. See, the good does shine through the sleaze, despite the efforts to make the show sensational. I’m also interested in seeing more about David, who we only caught glimpses of. He’ll either be the guy in three episodes that we’re all still wondering about or an actual contender for her heart.

I’ll be watching tonight with the hope that I won’t feel as ashamed of myself as I did last night. I’ll be watching with the hope that things get back on track when Britt leaves. I’ll be watching and hoping that we see some of the old Chris Harrison who seems like a different guy since his divorce (Seriously, his crush on Britt was half the reason we’re in this mess.) And, I’ll be watching because I really like Kaitlyn and want to see her fall in love. In short, I’ll still be watching because I can’t help who I am, a hopeless romantic who keeps going back for more even after she realizes the show she loves isn’t worthy of her.

(Insert number) Things Never to Say to (Insert Group)

Personal Musings, , , ,

We live in an interesting age. With the advent of social media, blogs, satirist news sites, online magazines, and other venues for expression there seems to be an explosion of “articles” that in reality are opinion pieces titled with (insert numeral here) things never to say to (insert specific demographic here). What I find most interesting is the absolute self grandeurization that comes from creating and sharing such a piece. I mean, blogging and writing have always had an egotistical element to them. You have to believe you have something to say worth hearing and I admit that most of the time when I write – I do. What I really mean by that is that these articles are usually created specifically for a small demographic group of which the creator is a member and they are written in a way that doesn’t really invite someone to try to understand what another is going through as much as commiserate with people who agree with them that others are so stupid, clueless, or cruel.

I will admit to reading quite a few of these lately. At first, I honestly wanted to know what I shouldn’t say to an unmarried female lumberjack or a childless clergy member who belongs to a support group, but I have since resigned myself to reading with the intent of scoffing at whatever that group decides to use as an excuse to make themselves feel superior. After all, the ultimate message of most of them is “You just don’t get it,” and the way I am told that I don’t get it ensures that I probably won’t make the effort to get it in the future.

I recently wrote a piece about how important it is to really put yourself in another’s shoes. I commented on how to do so we can’t just examine something through our own eyes and biases. We have to look from the perspective of someone who may be foreign to what we naturally understand. I believe in the need to understand the plight of others and to show compassion and thought in how we address people. What I find hard about the plethora of the “things not to say” articles is that they usually give orders with attitude while assuming EVERY unmarried mother of Irish descent who listens to Swedish music would be offended by the same stuff.

Maybe if we spent more time teaching our (society’s – not yours personally) children communication we wouldn’t need to tell people what not to say. If we taught people how to be aware of facial expressions, body language, or how to hear tension, stress, or joy in someone’s voice then maybe they would be able to figure out what not to say on their own. Maybe if we showed others what it’s like to be listened to rather than preached to, people would feel comfortable sharing their realities in prose or stories as opposed to lists of directives. Maybe we could even address the things people say that hurt our feelings personally in a kind way that educates them so they might think twice in the future! In the mean time, I’m avoiding all articles and blogs that are versions of the above. I try my best to listen to my friends and put myself in their position before I say something that might be offensive, but If I say something that offends you – do me a favor – just tell me kindly. No need to blog about it.

The Only Gift That Matters

Personal Musings, , , , , ,

It’s always nice to see old friends and ‘tis the season to play catch up as the clock strikes the holidays, but lately it seems I’m always at a loss for words when tasked with the standard, “So, what’s been going on with you?” I mean, I’m no slacker – my list of accomplishments that I will make on Dec. 31st will prove that – but I curiously draw a blank when asked to fill someone in on my life. I don’t have a spouse or kids to talk about and while I love my nieces and nephew, I really have no desire to tell you how they’re doing. I currently don’t even have a love life to catch you up on (although spousal updates rarely sound like a love life, come on)! To top that off, when you really get down to it my work is satisfying – there’s not much to complain or crow about.

While it could very well be that because I am content I don’t have much to say when asked, I think deep down the reason for my reticence is more likely the fact that I know you don’t really care and I am sadly, most of the time, absolutely 100% OK with that. It takes a lot of energy for me to put into words the things that are important to me. The answer to what’s been up with me can’t be cataloged for easy conversation. So, I’ll just say not much, ask you the dreaded question and let you move on with your business after your short, well-rehearsed answer like I’m sure you’re relieved to do.

But every once in a while a soul shines bright in the darkness of busyness and obligation. Every now and then when someone says, “So what’s been going on with you?” they stop what they’re doing and listen. Their eyes light up with interest and when you say, “nothing much,” they don’t jump in with their own memorized answer – they wait until you are uncomfortable enough that you give voice to the truth. You start to share and then without realizing what has happened you begin to hear your own story. A light bulb floats above your head and you are suddenly filled with the feeling that you do have a life and that it matters to someone.

That’s what holiday (actually all) encounters should be about. This holiday season, vow with me to be a light in the darkness, to avoid the pitfalls of shallow conversation and the trivialities of small talk that keep people entombed in the bubble of their own little worlds. I invite you to ask someone, “So, what’s been going on with you?” and let the light of your soul show through your kind eyes and the gift of your time. In that way, maybe we can all be like the star of Bethlehem that led the wise ones to our savior. Maybe we can all be a gift of illumination, because when we let the genuineness of our spirit break through the barriers that modern society constructs, we are Christ for one another…the only gift that matters.

If it was me…putting ourselves in another’s shoes

Personal Musings, , , ,

If it were me ___________________.
I am ____________, too. You don’t see me doing _____________.
My friend is ____________, if they were in that position I would want ____________.

In the past few weeks I have heard the fill-in-the-blanks above completed in numerous ways. In sentences about people working on Thanksgiving and people shopping on Thanksgiving. In the sentences of people who had full tables of food and warm homes and people who were seriously in need. In people defending Ray Rice and in people condemning him. I have heard leaders in government expressing opinions on people and people expressing opinions on leaders in government. And, let us not forget myriad thoughts of people about almost every conceivable position in Ferguson.

In the course of listening to the cacophony of anger, judgment, and gossip, I have noticed one sentiment, phrased numerous ways, seems to come up again and again. It’s a version of seeing things from another’s perspective and you can hear it in the fill-in-the-blanks above. We are taught to put ourselves in others’ shoes, but somewhere along the path, that adage has been corrupted.

Putting ourselves in others’ shoes doesn’t mean applying our personal beliefs, prejudices, and leanings to someone else’s life. Putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes at its core is about losing self for one minute. It’s trying to truly understand where someone who may be absolutely foreign and 100% different from us is coming from. It’s about experiencing reality the best we can from another person’s perspective.

When the language of putting ourselves in someone else’s place becomes about expressing what we think or would have done instead of seeking to be compassionate (literally to feel with), it is rotten to its core. It becomes just another way to advance the self-centeredness that seems to be ever-growing stronger in our society.

The next time you have the opportunity to fill in the blank on any of the sentences above, I implore you to spend a moment considering, “Do my words cause division?” Ask yourself if the “you” that you are putting in someone else’s shoes could ever really understand that person’s reality without having lived their life for a day, much less exchanged words.

We all have beliefs and opinions that we hold to be true that are based on real experiences and interactions. We all have free speech. We should share what we believe, but own it in a way that doesn’t simplify, negate, or repress another person’s life or reality to make ourselves feel better or superior. Because really, can we ever truly know what we would do if we were someone else?

The next time you fill in the blanks above consider doing it in the following way.

If it was me, I would try to do the absolute best I could do and hope others would make an effort to understand.

I am in need of support as well, you WON’T see me letting others fall.

My friend is that person I am judging in someone else’s eyes. If they were in that position I would want someone to truly seek to understand what it was like to honestly be “in their shoes.”

Thoughts on True Blood as Season Seven Winds Down…

Entertainment Musings

Let me be very clear. These are NOT predictions. This reflection is me, simply giving voice to a theme that I think has run throughout True Blood, a theme that if the writers were intentional about, could lead to the ending I would like to see. I say could because while I still think there is hope for Eric and Sookie (more on that in the last paragraph), I have started to feel like maybe they did get sloppy with this season. Maybe they are just trying to wrap things up in little bows. For sure, they did that with Tara. She deserved a better-executed end to her story. However, if the writers weren’t being lazy it would be hard not to pick up on the theme that while we idealize our first loves, it’s the ones that follow that help us grow. Most of the time in re-visiting them, we discover we can’t go back and we realize that each relationship that followed brought us closer to true love.

If we look at characters like Lettie Mae, we see that she discovers what real love is with the Reverend (after revisiting that memory of the ass that beat her). Tara thought she loved Jason, then learned how to love with Eggs, but I think we see her really grow with Pam. Arlene made a huge mistake with René, but found real love with Terry (that she re-visited on the edge of death), and maybe has a chance to grow more by dropping her fear of vampires and letting Keith love her now. Lafayette had love with Jesus but has a second chance with James. Alcide has his wolf woman and then Sookie.

Sam thought he loved Sookie, found a real relationship with Luna and has developed a relationship leading to a family with Nicole. (He re-visited the Sookie choice at the end of last season). Will his choice be to do the mature thing and sacrifice to be with his wife and daughter? Jason thought he loved Sarah Newlin, but then found Jessica, even though it hurt his friendship with Hoyt. He learned what he didn’t want with Violet and then we have the sweet car scene where he and Jess absolutely describe loving each other, but stop short of defining it that way.

So that leaves us with two foursomes that could go lots of different ways.

Hoyt and Jessica were each other’s first loves. They didn’t have a healthy relationship. Hoyt moved on and found Bridget. Jessica moved onto Jason, and James, back to Jason…will she end up again with Hoyt? I don’t think so. It’s natural for Jessica to glamorize her first love (and glamor him, too! haha) and maybe revisit it, but the couple switch story that seems imminent would truly be lazy writing. I think Jess and Jason make each other better and help each other grow, as they both said to each other in the front seat of that car.

But what about Bill, Sookie, Pam and Eric? Let’s start with Pam. I absolutely agree Pam loves Eric but they showed them together in that flashback of their first time and she has pretty clearly been a lesbian ever since. I know she likes guys, too, but I think what she learned about herself over the years is that she prefers girls. Sookie started out with Bill as her first, followed by Eric, followed by Alcide. Eric loved Godric, Nora, Pam, the French chic and Sookie. Bill loved his dead wife, and Sookie.

When we look at the Sookie, Bill, and Eric triangle we find that they’ve all “revisited” first or past loves this season. With Bill we saw in tedious flashbacks how much he loved his first wife…at first sight. We saw that to him, loving her meant sacrificing his happiness and keeping his “darkness” away form her. He has also sacrificed himself for Sookie in this way when he didn’t kill Eric and sent him back to her in season four (when he thought he had “light” in him). So, it makes sense that he would sacrifice his life so that Sookie could have a human life and family. That’s the way Bill expresses love.

Sookie “revisited” Bill, Alcide, and Eric. Bill was Sookie’s first love but he couldn’t give her a human relationship. Alcide could give her that but was taken from her and she “revisited” him with the smelling of the jacket and driving of the truck. She also had her “moment” with Eric when her returned and she ran to him.

The big question for me, if the writer’s had a vision, which I’m not sure they did, would seem to be which relationship would help Sookie to grow? I think she’s grown all she can from Bill and his way of loving her is to sacrifice himself anyway. But Eric – Sookie ended that in season four out of fear. She was scared of embracing Eric’s darkness. She refused to grow further with him despite him letting her know that both sides of him were still in him. If I were writing these characters I would think that that’s the one relationship she still has room to grow in, a relationship where she has to truly accept all sides of a person, not just the good. But, it could be that Bill as a human, or even Sam could help her grow into being a mother/wife.

Remember, these aren’t predictions in any way, shape, or form. I think the ending will go one of two ways. I think they’ll take the easy way out and have Jess with Hoyt, Jason with Bridget, Sookie with (human?) Bill or even Sam, and Eric with Pam platonically or dead after giving up his life for her as Godric did for him – OR – judging from the previews for the next episode, it’s possible Bill dies, Sookie’s alone and we think Eric dies. We see Bill tell Eric how they take Sookie’s light away. What if Eric goes to Sookie and leaves her for her own good? The episode is titled “Love is to Die”, but if the only person that dies is Bill that’s too predictable. Hidden in the Eric/Sookie teases is the pic of Pam being silvered. What if the choice Eric faces is to die for Pam and he takes her place. We could see him silvered and taken away at the end of episode 9. The 10th episode could begin with Bill’s funeral. I’ve heard there may be a time jump in the last episode just like last season so what if in the time jump we see Sookie has been alone just like Eric wanted? …And then it ends with Eric at her door because he somehow got away from the Yakuza before dying. So we don’t get a happy Sookie/Eric ending but we get the tease of one.

If you read this far, thanks and I truly hope you get the ending that makes you happy. The one thing that’s for sure is there will definitely be people disappointed after that last episode airs. I choose to keep hope alive for Sookie and Eric and to keep hoping the writers are better than they appear. Be nice to each other and me in the comments, True Blood was True Love for all of us at one point no matter how disillusioned people become or how hurt we are when we don’t get what we want after time invested.